Freedom and Bitterness

 

9/22/2016 “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” – Nelson Mandela

via Bitterness — Eyes + Words

 

The above photo and quote are reblogged from the Eyes & Words blog site.

In 1962, Nelson Mandela, an anti-apartheid activist in South Africa, was sentenced to life for conspiring to overthrow the state.  Due to international pressure and fear of a racial civil war, he was released after serving 27 years in prison.

 

Even though he had justifiable reasons to be angry and to encourage his supporters to seek retribution, he chose the path less traveled.  His decision to forgive and forge forward is helped him to be a great leader.  We all could stand to learn from his example.

Often, we imprison ourselves by our perceptions, attitudes, and thoughts.  We react to situations rather than respond.  Whatever situation you are facing right now, the choice is yours.

Do you choose bitterness or freedom?

For more of Eyes + Words blog posts, click here

Facing Death: the Great Divide

 

the-great-divide
The Great Divide (oil painting by Rose Wolfe)

 

Recently, I read an article wherein the author, who has lived with a chronic illness his entire life, was lamenting how he felt pressured to “put on a happy face.”  His main complaint focused on the inability of the people in his life who were reluctant to address the depression and dark moments that the chronically ill face, especially death.   The author was angry that he had no outlet to express his feelings.  Due to his chronic illness, he has spent long periods of time in hospitals.  As a result, he has met and lost friends.  Death is a strong, real presence in his world.  Now, he is facing a serious deterioration in his condition, and death cannot be ignored any longer.  In fact, I got the feeling that he doesn’t want to ignore the topic of dying.  He is angry, frustrated, and depressed.  Inasmuch as he is in a troubled state of mind, he extrapolated his feelings to include all chronically ill who are facing death.  He believes that anyone who chronically ill and at peace with death must be “faking it.”

Due to his chronic illness, he has spent long periods of time in hospitals.  As a result, he has met and lost friends.  Death is a strong, real presence in his world.  Now, he is facing a serious deterioration in his condition, and death cannot be ignored any longer.  In fact, I got the feeling that he doesn’t want to ignore the topic of dying.  He is angry, frustrated, and depressed.  Inasmuch as he is in a troubled state of mind, he extrapolated his feelings to include all chronically ill who are facing death.  He believes that anyone who is chronically ill and at peace with death must be “faking it.”

While I acknowledge that dark moments are part of the human psyche (chronically ill or not), not everyone fears death. Personally, I know of three people who were at peace with the inevitability of their death: my first husband, my niece, and a friend.  However, I have also watched others who faced death with anger, fear, and resentment.

There are at least two issues underlying the ranter’s anger:  (1) The perceived pressure to “put on a happy face” when the author would rather have talked about his impending death, and (2) the author’s assumption that everyone fears death.  In fact, the author went so far as to say that if the dying person was content with the situation, then they were faking it.  He said he hated those fakers.

I feel sorry for the author.  He is facing the end of his life, he is angry, and he can only see the world from his point of view.  To be at the end stage of your life and only see bleakness is a horrible way to spend your remaining days.  I am also sorry that he does not have the support that he needs.  (I wonder if the support is missing or if the support is not what he wants to hear.)  Many people do not want to talk about death and they do not want to be around angry people.  He might be in a Catch-22 situation.  No matter what the specifics of his situation, I wish there was something that could be done to help him.

My chronic illness puts me at risk for a stroke or sudden cardiac death.  Rather than churning my insides into a rancid soup of anger and hatred, I made the decision to be happy and do as much as I could for as long as I can.  One of my new mantras is Don’t Give Up – Ever.  I fear that the author has given up – on themselves and on others.  Hence, the Great Divide and why he can’t understand how people can choose a different approach.

If we were to meet one another on happenstance, I wonder how the author would react to my words?  Would he believe me that not everyone fears death?  The range of feelings surrounding death are as varied as there are people.  It is not a simple matter.  In truth, the way we feel about death has a lot to do with the way we feel about life.

The three people I mentioned at the beginning of this post (who were ready to face death) were Christians.  Whether or not you believe in God is not the point.  My point is that Christianity gives the believer hope about the future and strength to face the present.

Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying.  All three people had to deal with pain, a slowly deteriorating body, and dark moments.  Still, spending time with them was a rewarding, enriching encounter.  The more that they released themselves to the passing, the more serene they were in spirit.  They had hope and a vision.

On the other hand, I have known people who did not have faith in God.  As they faced death, the angrier they became.  They spent their last days spewing hatred.  Their beliefs had a deep impact on their feelings and psyche.  Before you jump all over me, I know that there are people who do not believe in God but have passed away in peace.  Still, there is a Great Divide about facing death.

Is death an end or the beginning?

Looking Through a Glass Darkly

Perception_edited-1

You just might be wrong.

Because you believe something doesn’t make it true.  Your perception is a reality, not the reality.

Take my uncle for example.  Diagnosed with myotonic dystrophy in his 40s, he was scuttled off to live with his 82-year-old mother.  As soon as he heard the news, he was done.  It was his free ticket to sit all day, watching television, while his mother did all the work. He did nothing – not one thing.

For four years she waited on him.  By the time my grandmother was 86, she needed help herself. So, we made room, and they came to live with my family and me.  Four adults and two children in a three-bedroom ranch. The roles were modified. Now, my grandmother and uncle both sat and watched television from morning to night. They did notPerception
participate in any family events. They did not want to do anything. They did nothing – not one thing. I did all the work. It was okay with me. I did it because it needed to be done. No expectations and no rewards.

So, what was my motivation?  My grandmother and uncle needed help. Neither one had ever been kind to me. It was a fact. I didn’t care. The relationships were determined the moment I was born. (Probably before I was born.)

What does this have to do with truth and perception?  My uncle was a skeptic.  He would tell me I had an ulterior motive. “What motive could I have?” I would ask. “You have nothing. Grandma has nothing.  I am taking care of you because you need a caregiver.”  He never answered the question. He refused to believe that I took them in because they needed help.  He would not (could not?) understand that their lack of grace towards me did not determine my actions towards them.  He could only see life as a reflection of himself.

Grandma’s point of view?  I don’t know.  She would tell me stories of her life. In all of them, she was the sad victim.  I would wipe her tears.  Unhappy and dissatisfied, she looked at life through a glass streaked and stained with misery.

Today, I live wiPerception_edited-2th myotonic dystrophy.  I do not sit all day watching television.  I write, read, and paint.  In addition, I visit people and invite people into my home.  I attend church, a writer’s group, and a painting class.  What do I see?  Hope and love.  Why?  Because my belief is based on a faith in God.

 

The Unfinished Portrait

Unfinished Portrait
For the last three months, I have been working on a portrait.  It is still in process; an unfinished, challenging, ongoing, all-encompassing activity.  In fact, it is a series of problem-solving steps.  Every brush stroke is a considered motion.  Ahead of that, there is the choice of hue, value, and type of brush for each stroke.

Yet, before I even contemplated the paint colors, I needed to have a vision of what I wanted to paint.  After some time spent looking through photographs (life model was not available), I made my decision.  Finally, I knew what I wanted to paint, who I wanted to paint, and what I wanted the painting to look like when I finished.

This brings me to today.  Just as with any creative process, there is labor.  Oil painting is something I love to do; nevertheless, there is frustration and aggravation.  When I am not painting, my mind often wanders back to the canvas.  In fact, I take several photos so that I can examine the current state of my painting.  What can I do better?  Where are the problems?  How can I improve the image?

I have probably wiped down and scraped off more paint than is currently on the canvas.  In fact, I am positive of it.  Some of what I rubbed off was good.  Indeed, one image was beautiful.  Nevertheless, it did not reflect my plan.  A portrait is more than capturing the likeness of the person; it is an attempt to capture the character of the individual.

We have all see portraits of dignitaries or famous people.  Have you ever noticed the tilt of the head, what they are holding in their hands, what type of clothing they are wearing?  All of it is designed to convey an important fact.  The intention of the artist and individual is for you to know an answer to a “who” question.  That big consuming question for so many of us.

All of this got me to thinking:  our lives are canvases.  We began life with an image already imprinted before any paint was applied.  Upon birth, our parents started to add the paint with their brushes.  They took a beautiful plan and added to it.  Some of what they applied was solid and worth keeping.  Much of it needed to be wiped off – maybe, it needed to be scraped off.

As you matured, you also began to add to your image.  Eventually, at some point, you took the brush out of the master’s hand.  Formulating a plan in your head, you changed the image.  You might even have painted something beautiful – probably not.  After awhile, your portrait started to have problems.  You started to ask yourself  What can I do better?  Where are the problems?  How can I improve?

At this point in your life, you might be struggling with a disability or some other difficulty. They are wayward strokes.  Unlike other times when you could wipe down or scrape off unwanted “paint,” these strokes are permanent changes.  It could be that the problems have helped you to focus on what needs to be changed.  Maybe, you are finding that your troubles are developing your character.  As we examine our lives, we are afforded the opportunity to stand back and unearth the original vision. The discovery process, the hard work and frustration, is answering the “who” question.

It may not be a neurotypical life; it may not be what you or I envisioned for our lives.  Nevertheless, the portrait is not to be trashed.  Your character will shine through.  There is still a beautiful portrait sitting there – unfinished.

 

C. S. Lewis — English Lit Geek

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.” ~ C.S. Lewis (1898-1963)

via C. S. Lewis — English Lit Geek

Found this quote on The English Lit Geek blog site.  C.S. Lewis’ words ring true today.  What do you see and hear?

Is Inspiration A Bad Thing?

Sunset

“If you don’t know me, then don’t tell me I inspire you,” she wrote.

When I read the above statement, I had to read it a second time.  Wow, I thought, someone has had enough.  I wonder what happened.  Was it a specific “I am fed up” moment?  Or, was her aggravation a compilation of  unwanted “back slappings?” 

Whatever had triggered her reaction, it had denotated an explosion of words.  Her anger told a story of the internal angst that grew to the point of pushing people away.  Obviously, she didn’t feel as if they knew her and her struggles.  Maybe this is what she meant when she wrote, “If you don’t know me, then don’t tell me I inspire you.”

Over the last several years, people tell me I inspire them.  It’s an odd experience because I don’t feel inspiring.  In fact, I am not given to such ideals.  Energy is leaking out of my muscles as if I were running on a bad battery.  With no way to recharge my ions, I am consumed by living – today – in this moment.  I have no alacrity to spend on being inspiring.   My drivers are simple emotions:  don’t give up, do as much as I can, make every moment count, and love and encourage others.

I can’t speak for the author of the above quote.  However, I can tell you about me and what the word “inspire” triggers.  For the first few years, an emotional weight was placed my back the moment someone told me I inspired them.  I felt confused.  What did they mean?  My thoughts were as jumbled as my bewilderment.  Oh, no, they think I am Herculean.  At some point, I will disappoint them.  What do they expect from me?  I am not sure what it is, but I am already carrying a heavy load.  Most certainly, I don’t feel capable of anticipating their needs.  What if I fail at it?  How can I be inspiring when it takes my all to just get through the day?  I wonder what I inspire in them?  Do I motivate them?  Are they galvanized?  If so, to do what?

I guess that was the crux of the problem for me: I interpreted their words to mean that I was fulfilling an unspecified need of theirs.  My perception of the transaction carried a meaning not intended by the other person.  All on my own, I took a kind word and turned it into a duty to perform.

Recently, someone took that burden off my shoulders with a simple qualifying statement.  They said, “You inspire me to keep trying.”  Bells ringing, lights flashing, and clouds whisked away.  Ah, ha, they are inspired.  Whatever they are facing, whatever trouble is looming in their life, they are motivated to keep going.  Good.  I am glad.  They are encouraged.

All along, people have been giving me a gift.  A kind word and a gentle love.  No burden or pressure to perform.  It was never about me doing for them.  They are trying to encourage me, to give me something in return.  They are attempting to make a deposit in my “bank of good feelings.”  It was my goals being lived out in others.

They are galvanized to not give up, do as much as they can, make every moment count, and love and encourage others.  They are inspired.  It is a good thing.

Even if you don’t know me, I hope you are inspired.

 

Insomnia is Making Me Crazy

Uggh, 4:23.  I don’t want to wake up.  Breathe deep.  Take it in, and, now, let it out – slowly.  Relax.  Go back to sleep.  No thinking.  I wonder, what should we have for dinner tonight?  No, no thinking.  Go back to sleep.  Relax.  Good morning, Lord.  Thank you for the day.  ‘This is the day; this is the day that the Lord has made.  I will be glad and rejoice in it.’  No singing.  Go back to sleep.  Relax.  Maybe I will paint this morning.  I wonder if I should add a little bit more Burnt Sienna.  That will make it warmer.  Stop it!  No thinking.  Relax.  Go back to sleep.  I wonder if I will be able to take a nap today?  I have been very weary lately.  And, now, I am awake instead of sleeping.  As usual, Beth was kind yesterday.  She’s a real trouper.  Always right there.  Helping me stand up for songs.  Why can’t I just stay seated?  It is getting hard to stand.  Cut it out!  Go…back…to…sleep.  My stomach is starting to churn.  It’s no good getting all worked up about not sleeping.  Oh, my.  I am awake.  Yep, no trying to deny it any longer.  I wonder, do other insomniacs go through the same routine?  I might as well get up.  What time is it?  5:13.  Uggh.

Insomnia is not really making me crazy, but it does play havoc on the mind and body.  Lately, I have been weary to the point of crying.  The feeling is not fatigue; it is beyond fatigue.  Thus, when insomnia kicks in, I feel challenged beyond my ability.  How can I operate on little sleep when I am already weary from fighting the war against my disease?

Every day is a struggle, to reiterate, every day is a struggle.  My body is at odds with my mind.  I am grateful that I can think, and write, and paint.  Nevertheless, the fight takes energy that I don’t have in reserve.  Picking up a glass of water takes forethought and purpose.  Eating is a mindful activity.  Cutting my own food is nearly impossible.  Every little thing takes determination.

My mind swirls.  With the sand running thin on the hourglass of my life, I want to give everything now – not get, give.  So, I  push my body, and my body is starting to push back – hard.  Weariness has set in – deep, dark weariness.

Now, I am fighting on two fronts:  my physical body that demands to do nothing and my emotional well that has run dry and demands rest.  Two fronts, both wanting me to stop.  Just stop doing, they cry.

How can I stop?  What will remain unfinished?

My mind swirls.  The waves of confusion are crashing over the sides of my ship.

Maybe, insomnia is making me crazy.  Wait, I still have hope.  Sitting right there in the middle of the storm.


How many of us are operating at a less than an ideal energy load?  Disabilities take an additional amount of emotional and physical effort not easily understood (if it is even possible) by neurotypical people.  However, we all feel exhausted, at times, from life’s challenges.  The day-to-day battle is not mine alone to fight.  The storms we face churn our hearts with an ache for calm.

As we wait out the raging emotions and the weariness, our patience will bear fruit.  We find a place of refuge.  Suffering is a vehicle that can drive us crazy for a season.  But the insanity will subside.  We become resilient.  We know hope – for hope is the child of patience.  And, hope never fails.

Have Courage to Hope
Oil Painting by Rose Wolfe