Uggh, 4:23. I don’t want to wake up. Breathe deep. Take it in, and, now, let it out – slowly. Relax. Go back to sleep. No thinking. I wonder, what should we have for dinner tonight? No, no thinking. Go back to sleep. Relax. Good morning, Lord. Thank you for the day. ‘This is the day; this is the day that the Lord has made. I will be glad and rejoice in it.’ No singing. Go back to sleep. Relax. Maybe I will paint this morning. I wonder if I should add a little bit more Burnt Sienna. That will make it warmer. Stop it! No thinking. Relax. Go back to sleep. I wonder if I will be able to take a nap today? I have been very weary lately. And, now, I am awake instead of sleeping. As usual, Beth was kind yesterday. She’s a real trouper. Always right there. Helping me stand up for songs. Why can’t I just stay seated? It is getting hard to stand. Cut it out! Go…back…to…sleep. My stomach is starting to churn. It’s no good getting all worked up about not sleeping. Oh, my. I am awake. Yep, no trying to deny it any longer. I wonder, do other insomniacs go through the same routine? I might as well get up. What time is it? 5:13. Uggh.
Insomnia is not really making me crazy, but it does play havoc on the mind and body. Lately, I have been weary to the point of crying. The feeling is not fatigue; it is beyond fatigue. Thus, when insomnia kicks in, I feel challenged beyond my ability. How can I operate on little sleep when I am already weary from fighting the war against my disease?
Every day is a struggle, to reiterate, every day is a struggle. My body is at odds with my mind. I am grateful that I can think, and write, and paint. Nevertheless, the fight takes energy that I don’t have in reserve. Picking up a glass of water takes forethought and purpose. Eating is a mindful activity. Cutting my own food is nearly impossible. Every little thing takes determination.
My mind swirls. With the sand running thin on the hourglass of my life, I want to give everything now – not get, give. So, I push my body, and my body is starting to push back – hard. Weariness has set in – deep, dark weariness.
Now, I am fighting on two fronts: my physical body that demands to do nothing and my emotional well that has run dry and demands rest. Two fronts, both wanting me to stop. Just stop doing, they cry.
How can I stop? What will remain unfinished?
My mind swirls. The waves of confusion are crashing over the sides of my ship.
Maybe, insomnia is making me crazy. Wait, I still have hope. Sitting right there in the middle of the storm.
How many of us are operating at a less than an ideal energy load? Disabilities take an additional amount of emotional and physical effort not easily understood (if it is even possible) by neurotypical people. However, we all feel exhausted, at times, from life’s challenges. The day-to-day battle is not mine alone to fight. The storms we face churn our hearts with an ache for calm.
As we wait out the raging emotions and the weariness, our patience will bear fruit. We find a place of refuge. Suffering is a vehicle that can drive us crazy for a season. But the insanity will subside. We become resilient. We know hope – for hope is the child of patience. And, hope never fails.